I don’t know where my head is at. I did move on from the last failure by writing another exam and getting interviewed by another college. I’m awaiting their decision to pick me for their course. I have two other exams next week. One exam sometime mid June. I’m growing more and more anxious. I’m afraid that I’ll never be good enough to get selected for any college. What if I’m not smart? What if I don’t have what it takes? What if I’m just a bull-shitter who’s bull-shitted her way through everything in life and it’s worked out until now? What if now people are just tired of hearing my bull-shit and want nothing to do with me? What if everyone around me is lying to me to protect me from the truth that – I’m actually terrible at whatever I’ve done and every around me is just saving me from feeling bad about myself. Paranoia at it’s best. I know it’s wrong to think this and I’m only thinking this because I’m down and I lack confidence in my abilities. But I am truly scared guys. I truly am. I don’t feel like I’m up to do anything right now.
I know it’s just a phase and that once I get into a college, I’ll overthink about my abilities for something else in life. But I truly am scared that I won’t get into a college. I know sometimes it may feel stupid to put out your deepest fears and vulnerabilities out there, but that has helped me cope with my stress for as long as I can remember. it’s the fact that every time I’m blogging, I am blogging with no filter in my mind. I’m literally looking at the keyboard and clicking on keys and I barely look at the screen. Only once I’m done typing, I look at the screen, read the whole thing once and check for any errors, and hit publish. Sometimes I find myself wondering what I typed in the first place. It’s literally just a flow of thoughts. Sometimes, I begin to feel that my blogging has been therapeutic because of my free flow of thoughts along with the sound of the keys on my keyboard as I’m using them to type the words for my blog.
I feel truly dejected now. I can’t think of anything other than how much of a failure I am. At this point, I don’t feel like I have what it takes to deliver. Nothing anyone can say is going to make me better. Me getting into a college is going to make me feel better. I know not getting into a college is not the end of the world. I know I need to stop thinking that way and place so much importance into it. But I know for a fact that I don’t want to waste a year and if acting like my life depends on it will make me work harder then I’m don’t want to stop placing so much importance on it. Even if I’m rejected and dejected. Hope to write for you all in a better and a lot more positive mindset soon. Sorry if my writing’s too grumpy and negative, but this is about honest feelings and this what my life has been revolving around for the past 7-8 months now. I cannot promise anything but hopefully soon my writing will be more regular and on a much positive note. Goodbye for now!