54. Lacking Assurance

Dear readers,

I had two exams this week. I wrote one really really well and I wrote one so bad that I could possibly fail that paper. I truly hope that doesn’t happen and somehow I scrape through and not break my ‘no arrears’ streak. Let’s see what happens. I don’t know what it is with exams, I’ve never been able to fair well though I know all the concepts conceptually. I need to learn how to get better as it effects my overall score.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not progressing, you know? I am still complaining the same things about myself. I still can’t fully be as productive as I want to be. I still can’t let go of a lot things. I’ve been the same in a lot of ways. I don’t know what it is. Laziness, yes. But, I don’t really know what it is. I can’t point my finger on it. Sometimes, I feel like I have no will and sometimes I feel like there’s so much grit in me that I can be the next female Elon Musk. But this inconsistency in my determination is what scares me the most. I need to figure out a way to be consistent through-out. Or at least manage my time and figure out a way wherein I can be consistent. I don’t know, this week I was extremely self-critical towards myself. I did not really go to the gym (which could have been a factor in me having low self-confidence). I hated my guts. I hated everything about myself. I questioned my self worth. I questioned my morals (whether I had any). I questioned my ability to do anything in life. I questioned my actions. I wondered if I need to stop acting like an 80 year old and instead “have fun” like a 20 year old. I have not really done anything close to what my acquaintances are doing and I wondered if I needed to do them to be acceptable in the social circles. Whether I’m a rebel without a cause (titled by my own friends). I wanted a proper answer for “who am I?” and I wasn’t able to find a satisfactory answer, because I haven’t truly achieved anything in life. This issue has been spoken about in lot of different ways on my blog earlier, as well. I just haven’t found the answers to the questions I need answered or at least the solution to not feel this way again. I’m pretty sure I need a clean slate, which I hope happens if I ever get the chance of being admitted in a decent college away from home and this is something that I really want. I have a lot of things unfinished, which I need to start focusing on. I need to be more sure and confident with regard to what I’m doing. This was something that lacked in me all week and deep inside my whole life. I need to not lack assurances. I need to be sure of myself. I need to believe in myself. That’s all for this week. Hope you have a great and positive week ahead. I hope I do too.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

17 Comments »

  1. Hey! I feel you! I went through a lot last time when I did my undergrad. Currently I am doing my grad school. I always doubted myself and ended up of thinking to give up. But I told myself not to because if I did, I would fail so badly. People kept telling me to keep moving forward and so did I. I was one of the slowest among my friends and I felt bad to myself when I didn’t get anything and others got it. But I tried to beat myself. You’ve heard that your biggest enemy is yourself? Yeah. I always thought of that. But don’t let yourself down! Tell yourself “You can do it!”. Because I know you can πŸ™‚ Cheer up!

    PS: anyway… I just opened my blog (https://lifeoflattes.home.blog/). Please follow me! Thankyou.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. RB – you’ve laid out the kinds of questions that many, many people ask of themselves. You’ve hit on feelings that many, many people feel about themselves. I say those things only to let you know that you are absolutely NOT alone!
    I am about to be 46 and I still struggle with those things sometimes. However, there can be light at the end of the tunnel! I promise!
    I like what Harley Q said and I would like to maybe add just a little to it. They are absolutely correct in saying that maybe you should take inventory of what YOU want in your life, regardless of what others may be doing or what you may feel is “socially acceptable” within your current circle. It’s not corny to literally make a list of the things you like to do, the things you want for your life, the things that make you excited and energize you.
    I don’t know you, and I’ve only read this one post so far, but it is obvious that you are young, and at the edge of starting your life on your own. That’s an incredibly stressful time in life!! But now is the perfect time to really decide what and who you are. It might continue to be tough to focus on the things you have to do in school, but if you get a good idea of what you want your future to be, you can start to really dream of that and then put a plan into place to go get it. If I’m off base, then I do apologize. I’m talking from my own experiences, as I really didn’t know who I was or what I wanted when I was in my late teens/early 20’s. Because I didn’t address that at that point in my life, I spent many years spinning my wheels and never really being happy. Don’t wait as long as I did. πŸ™‚
    I can tell from your writing that you are intelligent. Don’t be afraid to have fun too!! You’re only young once. But if there is any advice I can give, I would be more than happy to give it. I believe in you! Believe in yourself.

    All the best,
    Stix

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Stix, I completely agree that we should and must create an inventory of what we want to do in our lives and I’ll try doing that with my life as well. Thank you for this beautiful comment that made my day as it was full of uncertainties. I’ll work towards believing in myself. Thank you πŸ™‚

      Like

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