54. Lacking Assurance
I had two exams this week. I wrote one really really well and I wrote one so bad that I could possibly fail that paper. I truly hope that doesn’t happen and somehow I scrape through and not break my ‘no arrears’ streak. Let’s see what happens. I don’t know what it is with exams, I’ve never been able to fair well though I know all the concepts conceptually. I need to learn how to get better as it effects my overall score.
Sometimes I feel like I’m not progressing, you know? I am still complaining the same things about myself. I still can’t fully be as productive as I want to be. I still can’t let go of a lot things. I’ve been the same in a lot of ways. I don’t know what it is. Laziness, yes. But, I don’t really know what it is. I can’t point my finger on it. Sometimes, I feel like I have no will and sometimes I feel like there’s so much grit in me that I can be the next female Elon Musk. But this inconsistency in my determination is what scares me the most. I need to figure out a way to be consistent through-out. Or at least manage my time and figure out a way wherein I can be consistent. I don’t know, this week I was extremely self-critical towards myself. I did not really go to the gym (which could have been a factor in me having low self-confidence). I hated my guts. I hated everything about myself. I questioned my self worth. I questioned my morals (whether I had any). I questioned my ability to do anything in life. I questioned my actions. I wondered if I need to stop acting like an 80 year old and instead “have fun” like a 20 year old. I have not really done anything close to what my acquaintances are doing and I wondered if I needed to do them to be acceptable in the social circles. Whether I’m a rebel without a cause (titled by my own friends). I wanted a proper answer for “who am I?” and I wasn’t able to find a satisfactory answer, because I haven’t truly achieved anything in life. This issue has been spoken about in lot of different ways on my blog earlier, as well. I just haven’t found the answers to the questions I need answered or at least the solution to not feel this way again. I’m pretty sure I need a clean slate, which I hope happens if I ever get the chance of being admitted in a decent college away from home and this is something that I really want. I have a lot of things unfinished, which I need to start focusing on. I need to be more sure and confident with regard to what I’m doing. This was something that lacked in me all week and deep inside my whole life. I need to not lack assurances. I need to be sure of myself. I need to believe in myself. That’s all for this week. Hope you have a great and positive week ahead. I hope I do too.