22. Road To Betterment
I feel my blogs are repetitive. I feel I always speak a lot, dream a lot, but actually end up doing nothing or too little or not enough. Sometimes, I feel like I own the fucking place. Sometimes, I just want to forget everything/everyone and go to my room and not speak a word to anyone for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I do so much in one day. Sometimes, I literally stay on my bed and waste time listening to songs I’ve already heard and daydream, all day. I’m not a person who is afraid. I’m not scared to do things in life. In fact, I love spontaneity. I love doing new things. I just don’t know how to do a lot of things. And not knowing is something I’m not ashamed of. I would gladly ask people. I have gladly been asking people. I will continue to do so. I’m not afraid to ask someone for help. I’m just afraid of asking the wrong person. And I want to learn more because I don’t know much. This is not lack of self-esteem. I genuinely do not know so many things. And I can’t say I’m trying my best to learn, I can’t say I’m good at things and I can’t say that I’m bad at things. I’m in the middle. I know. But not enough. Again, it is not that I doubt myself. I’m just talking facts. And I’m not ashamed to accept it. I have felt it’s not enough for anything/everything in life and all along I’ve been giving up. I’m not giving up. I’m done giving up. There is hope. Just have to channel it in some path. “It’s not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?” ~ Henry David Thoreau. So, I need to find my path. Whether, it’s the right path or the wrong path, we can only find out through actually walking the path. All I got to do is walk the path that I’ve been too lazy to walk. To show how serious I am about it, I created a map, that doesn’t lead me to my goal, but gives me the clarity of thought that I need to set proper goals in life. I’m accountable to each and every one of you who read my blogs. And if a person who is afraid of commitment is committing to such a large audience, it should clearly show my level of commitment to this road to betterment. And though I’ve said this so many times before, I’m serious about it this time. My laziness or my constant cycle of giving up will not get the best of me.